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11. Anger management - The final chapter
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| Dont brake it you old drunk fool... Someone might need it... |
I was standing on the top of the mountain, listening angry people yelling, and dreaming about a meal I could have. I didn't even dare to fart, because we had to keep the secrecy of our position.
Moses was nervous. He was walking around and hitting the ground with his foot, while I was praying for the wind to blow a little onto my painful hemorrhoids.
-"Hey Moses, where are you hiding?" - Someone shouted.
-"Where's your bitchy dog?" - Asked the voice I would rather forget.
Then Moses came upon an idea.
-"I'm here on the top, and I'm talking to God."
-"You'll see your god, only if I reach you!"
-"And what did your God say?"
-"I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery..."
-"What house of slavery, you moron? You brought us out our own houses!"
-"You were brought to the promised land!"
-"Promised by who?"
-"Promised by...never mind..."
Then the crowd started to climb the mountain. Moses started to panic. He took a piece of stone, and started to carve something into it.
-"People, if you climb up, you're going to violate the God's commandments."
-"What commandments, you fool?"
-"God gave me a list of commandments that I must convey to you. The first one says that man is tired by birth, and he lives to rest..."
-"Yeah, that's a good one...let's listen to that fool" - Somebody said.
The third is: You have to rest during the day, so you can sleep at night. Then He said that we should not work, because the work kills..."
The crowd started to shout.
-"Shut up!" - Someone yelled. - "Man speaks wisely. He's a wise man, maybe we should listen to him."
Moses was finally relieved, so he began to preach with more confidence.
-"Then god told me if we see someone having a rest, we must help him. Also, we have to work as less as we can, and all our work we have to transfer to someone else, if it's possible. And, if you accidentally feel the desire to work something, just sit down, wait for few minutes and it will pass..."
-"Wow, the man is a fucking genius... We must follow him."
-"And his dog, too!"
Oh no, I didn't want to be followed any more.
And people began to worship Moses. They have collected all the gold they had and made an golden idol. Originally, it was a statue of Moses healing my painful ass, but somehow, somewhere during the ages, somebody turned it to be the golden calf. When Moses saw the statue, he's gone mad. No one will present him as a dog's ass sniffer, he thought. In his anger he took the stone and broke the statue, destroying the stone too, so nobody will reveal the secret of the last commandment carved in it.
Then the lightning struck in the top of the mountain.
-"Moses, this time you have gone too far" - God said. - "Next time when you speak for me, don't make me sound like an illiterate idiot. For sentence, you have to carve your commandments on the dog-tags,and carry it attached to your balls. And all of you, go to the promised land and do some agriculture, breed some chicken, piss into your neighbour's well... just do something useful."
All people run away scared, and Moses started to carve the commandments, that some lucky finder will misinterpret three years later.
Then God turned his face to me.
-"Rex, have you farted?"
10. Chicken run
Then the hungry days have come. Jethro decided not to send Moses selling his products any more, so his business has collapsed. He even dismissed his band, Jethro Tull, which will be reformed a few thousand years later, by some hardcore fans who were collecting their songs , carved in the stone.
Small accident that Moses had, devastated whole Egyptian commerce, so Egyptians, blaming the Hebrews, took them all as slaves, starving them and making them to work hard to reimburse all the damage Moses has done.
Due to Jethro's bankruptcy whole family, including Moses and me, was starving. Jethro had a few chickens, so he had to share them and spare them. Zipporah, the wife of Moses, voracious by nature, due to our sentry by the roost, started to eat thatched roof of the house. Those days were remembered as the time when modern surgery has been invented. Namely, all the others had a stomach a bit weaker than Zipporah had, thus they had to eat something more digestible. Therefore, Jethro has decided to make a decent meal, but he couldn't sacrifice all of his chicken for one meal. Then he came upon an idea. He will cut off one chicken leg, repair the wound, make a small crutch so the chick can walk again, and he'll make a light chicken soup afterward. Consequently,the other Hebrews have adopted Jethro's idea, so legless and wingless chickens were running around Egypt for some time, until the last one has left. The Hebrews convened the Council to decide how to share the poor animal. They were talking and arguing, but, at one moment they've suddenly started to whisper. After all things considered, I've realised that they were looking at me, and I didn't like that kind of the look. So, with intent to spare they time, make their decision easier and to save my ass I've grabbed the chicken and started to run like hell.
-"Come back Rex! What the fuck are you doing?" - Moses shouted at me. -"Give back that chicken, or I'm going to roll up your dick as a sock."
Then he started to run after me.
When the others have seen me, running with the last chicken, and Moses right after, they have taken the clubs and stones and started the chase.
-"Will you stop, you bloody bastard" - Moses shouted after me.
-"Let's eat that merchant and crucify his dog" - one of the Hebrews shouted, running behind Moses.
-"Shut up you fool" - yelled another. -"Let's get him stoned, and fuck the dog!"
-"Don't fuck the food"- yelled the third.
Then the Egyptians realised that Hebrews are running away, so they've started pursuit.
Finally, I came to the sea. The tide was low, so I decided to continue to run. Moses was running behind me, and all those people were following him until the sea raised and covered the Egyptians who didn't manage to reach the other coast. ..
The next couple hours I can't remember, because somebody smashed my muzzle and took my chicken away. Did I mention that I've felt a pain in the ass after all? God knows why.
Small accident that Moses had, devastated whole Egyptian commerce, so Egyptians, blaming the Hebrews, took them all as slaves, starving them and making them to work hard to reimburse all the damage Moses has done.
Due to Jethro's bankruptcy whole family, including Moses and me, was starving. Jethro had a few chickens, so he had to share them and spare them. Zipporah, the wife of Moses, voracious by nature, due to our sentry by the roost, started to eat thatched roof of the house. Those days were remembered as the time when modern surgery has been invented. Namely, all the others had a stomach a bit weaker than Zipporah had, thus they had to eat something more digestible. Therefore, Jethro has decided to make a decent meal, but he couldn't sacrifice all of his chicken for one meal. Then he came upon an idea. He will cut off one chicken leg, repair the wound, make a small crutch so the chick can walk again, and he'll make a light chicken soup afterward. Consequently,the other Hebrews have adopted Jethro's idea, so legless and wingless chickens were running around Egypt for some time, until the last one has left. The Hebrews convened the Council to decide how to share the poor animal. They were talking and arguing, but, at one moment they've suddenly started to whisper. After all things considered, I've realised that they were looking at me, and I didn't like that kind of the look. So, with intent to spare they time, make their decision easier and to save my ass I've grabbed the chicken and started to run like hell.
-"Come back Rex! What the fuck are you doing?" - Moses shouted at me. -"Give back that chicken, or I'm going to roll up your dick as a sock."
Then he started to run after me.
When the others have seen me, running with the last chicken, and Moses right after, they have taken the clubs and stones and started the chase.
-"Will you stop, you bloody bastard" - Moses shouted after me.
-"Let's eat that merchant and crucify his dog" - one of the Hebrews shouted, running behind Moses.
-"Shut up you fool" - yelled another. -"Let's get him stoned, and fuck the dog!"
-"Don't fuck the food"- yelled the third.
Then the Egyptians realised that Hebrews are running away, so they've started pursuit.
Finally, I came to the sea. The tide was low, so I decided to continue to run. Moses was running behind me, and all those people were following him until the sea raised and covered the Egyptians who didn't manage to reach the other coast. ..
The next couple hours I can't remember, because somebody smashed my muzzle and took my chicken away. Did I mention that I've felt a pain in the ass after all? God knows why.
9. Anger management trilogy - Fart 3
Moses was suffering, and I witnessed his agony. His fields couldn't produce as much food as his wife Zipporah could eat. She was even sucked all the milk from her own breasts after she gave birth to their first child. Every day Zipporah was growing fatter and fatter, so Moses had to think about house enlargement. Finally, he decided to find some extra job. Jethro, his father in low and therapist, invited Moses to join him in his small hobby workshop that he ran behind Anger management center. So Moses has become the first bagman in the history. His merchant time is also known as ten plagues of Egypt. For the first day Jethro gave him the task to sell the knives he made, so Moses visited a nearby village and started his door to door sale. He visited few houses, but no one was interested in the stuff he was selling, so Moses set by the river starting to throw the knives into the river. One hour later, all the fish in the water were killed and the water turned into blood, so the Egyptians were loathed to drink from the river due to its stench. When he came back home, Jethro was very disappointed. His son-in-law hasn't brought neither the merchandize, nor the money. Only the rumors about a small river accident. He decided not to give him merchant job again. Next day Jethro has made a deal with some restaurant owners in a nearby town, so he gave Moses a waggon full of frogs to deliver. Moses and I, we were walking down the main street, whispering and joyfully farting, taking the frogs to the town. At one moment he stumbled and fell, taking all the frogs with him. Very next moment these frogs entered the people’s houses, their bedchambers, on the people themselves, into their ovens, into their kneading bowls... We had to run away home, because we have almost lost our asses. In the morning we had to go to the market again, but this time we had to take Aaron, the brother of Moses, to protect us from angry people and from Moses aswell. When we came to the market, Aaron started to sell some insecticide and poisons against rats and mice. Since people doubted about product efficiency, Moses brought some bags full of lice and flies to test the products and convince the crowd. At one moment he dropped the bags, and all lice and flies were freed attacking people and cattle. The houses of the Egyptians were full of flies, and even the ground where they are.
- "Stretch out thy rod and smite the lice, Aaron" - Moses shouted.
- "Let us go, you bastards" - Aaron yelled swirling the rod. Pharaoh, who missed the beginning of the accident, heard the words of brothers, thinking they are asking Egyptians to set the Hebrews free.
- "Give me that insecticide Aaron, I'm going to destroy them all"- Moses asked twisting.
Pharaoh was angry, so he decided to interfere.
- "Listen to them" - he said to his counselor. - "They are threading us!"
- "We should stop it, your highness. What do you suggest?" - "Close all the Hebrews into the ghetto, and don't let them go anywhere, and get those two clowns imprisoned."
- "Consider it done. But what about the dog, majesty?"
-"Bring him to me. My cook has a new specialty. He calls it... hot dog, I suppose... So, it must be made of dogs. Right?" Due to the accident, all the merchant stands were turned over, so the poison has contaminated the food and all other goods, and the cattle which came to eat the food, fell down poisoned. People tried to save their livestock, but contaminated their skin, so all of them were afflicted by strange kind of skin disease.
Then started to rain with thunder and hail, and lightning flashed down to the ground. Pharaoh thought it is another magic of Moses, so he sent his guards to capture him.
Moses tried to escape, but while he was running he has lost the last bag he was carrying, and the swarm of loctus run out. The swarm covered the sky, casting a shadow over Egypt. It consumed all the remaining Egyptian crops, leaving no tree or plant standing.
Then the wind and the rain turned all the lights and fires off, so the darkness spread over the Egypt. Moses started to curse and swear, hitting the ground by his rod. However, that was the last proof that anger management definitely failed. People, both Egyptians and Hebrews decided to find Moses, and get rid of him...in any way.
- "Stretch out thy rod and smite the lice, Aaron" - Moses shouted.
- "Let us go, you bastards" - Aaron yelled swirling the rod. Pharaoh, who missed the beginning of the accident, heard the words of brothers, thinking they are asking Egyptians to set the Hebrews free.
- "Give me that insecticide Aaron, I'm going to destroy them all"- Moses asked twisting.
Pharaoh was angry, so he decided to interfere.
- "Listen to them" - he said to his counselor. - "They are threading us!"
- "We should stop it, your highness. What do you suggest?" - "Close all the Hebrews into the ghetto, and don't let them go anywhere, and get those two clowns imprisoned."
- "Consider it done. But what about the dog, majesty?"
Then started to rain with thunder and hail, and lightning flashed down to the ground. Pharaoh thought it is another magic of Moses, so he sent his guards to capture him.
Moses tried to escape, but while he was running he has lost the last bag he was carrying, and the swarm of loctus run out. The swarm covered the sky, casting a shadow over Egypt. It consumed all the remaining Egyptian crops, leaving no tree or plant standing.
Then the wind and the rain turned all the lights and fires off, so the darkness spread over the Egypt. Moses started to curse and swear, hitting the ground by his rod. However, that was the last proof that anger management definitely failed. People, both Egyptians and Hebrews decided to find Moses, and get rid of him...in any way.
8. Anger management trilogy - fart 2
At that point, Moses probably wanted nothing more than a peaceful interlude, but immediately he found himself in another fight. Midianite priest Reuel had seven daughters, and Moses, as romantic as he was, couldn't decide which one to love, so he has fallen in love with all of them. One day he saw the sisters talking with some shepherds at the field. Jealousy has taken his heart over, so he decided to approach. What a misunderstanding again... All the shepherds and all the girls as well, started to beat Moses, but he was trying not to fight back. He was participating in the anger management course after all. He must resist, he must be strong. Ashamed and beaten up, Moses has gone back to Reuel's camp. Finally, he proved that anger management course was successful.
-" Is there something I should know about relationships and people?" - Moses wondered.
-" Why do I find myself in trouble every time when I tried to help somebody?"
So he decided not to help any more.
One day some people were walking the desert and saw Moses talking to a burning bush.
- "Hey Moses, are you fucking crazy? What are you doing"- one of them ask him. - "You're going to burn a whole village down."
- "I'm talking to God" - Moses replied.
- "Come on man, stop doing drugs. Take a rehab or something" - said the second.
- "Come closer and hear the word."
- "What shit you're on, man?" - asked the third - "Were the Jamaican invaders around here again?"
- "Give us some" - the first one said. - "We want some too."
- "Yeah, you could share some stuff" - the third replied.
-" Let's get stoned."
-"Stoned?" - Moses asked before he took a big stone and threw it to the guy.
The anger management course has failed again. Moses was imprisoned, and for penance, he had to marry the ugliest and fattest Jethro's daughter. He had to work very hard just to feed her, because all the food he provided vanished inside her mouth. And after all, no one gave him the matches any more...
If you want to see official side of story click here, but don't trust to those liars.
7. Anger management trilogy - Fart 1
What a wonderful feeling was to be reborn under nice, sunny and warm Egyptian sky. Egypt was a great land covered by seas of sand and almost no water at all, which was good to forget Noah and his sour face when he came to Turkey and realized that his business empire has collapsed. He was standing on the coast, waiting for his faithful clients, but no one left alive.
- " I'm ruined" - he said - " My entire life is ruined. What will I do now?"
He covered his face by the hands started to cry.
- "Oh god, you've tricked me" - he yelled. - " I'll be nice to you, I'll do whatever you want me to, just spare me from agriculture."
God did not reply, no matter how hard Noah called.
And then in Egypt the life seemed to be fine. I could eat, I could piss or even make a dump, wherever I want, not obligated to eat my own shit. And after all I had a new master.
He was a really nice and righteous guy, adopted as a child by the royal family, walked proud in his innocence and purity. His name was Moses.
One day his perfect life came to a curve. Moses and me, we were walking down the palace and came to an open door. We've heard some very strange noises.
Moses looked in and saw a very harmful scene. A naked man was lying on the floor, cuffed by leather ribbons with some piece of wood stacked in his mouth, and the other guy was beating him with a lash all over his bloody back.
- "Stop beating that guy" - Moses said, - " or I'm going to beat you."
- "Oh, it is not what it seems to be" - the guy replied. - " You can join us if you want, and you'll feel the joy of our little game. Just leave your dog outside. We're not some kind of perverts. We don't like the dogs involved."
- " You can take my place, or his, or you can even watch if you want. It's equal to me."
- "Stop abusing that man" - Moses said louder.
Then Moses attacked guy with the lash.
-"I've told you to stop" - Moses yelled, and started to push the guy, who has fallen hitting the wall by his head.
Tied guy was just mumbling something, but no one paid attention to him, but the other one was lying on the floor dead.
Finally, we liberated the victim, but, what a surprise, he did not thank us. He started to hug the dead man, and he cried.
-"You are a criminal, assassin, you killed him... "
Both, Moses and me, we looked at each other confused and walked away. Whole day we've spent wondering what happened. Moses saved a man, and that seemed to be wrong. He realized the reason much later.
Very next day Moses will run into an incident again. Two men were fighting and he tried to make peace between two Hebrews, who are fighting, but the aggressor takes umbrage and says:
-"Do you mean to kill me as you killed the Egyptian?"
Moses immediately understood that he was in danger, for though his high status undoubtedly would protect him from punishment for the murder.
Then he heard The Voice.
-" Chill out Moses" - the voice sad - " I have some great plans for you"
Moses was standing petrified and speechless.
-"I'm going to protect you, but first there's one thing you have to do..."
- "Oh, God" - Moses cried -"Please forgive me my lord, I'll do whatever you ask, just forgive me"
- " Well then, all you have to do is take an anger management course, and then we shall talk."
Next morning Moses have fled to Midian from the Pharaoh's anger, and there he had to meet the Midianite priest Reuel, also known as Jethro, the originator of "Jethro Tull", the rock band, and the most popular therapist at that time.
- " I'm ruined" - he said - " My entire life is ruined. What will I do now?"
He covered his face by the hands started to cry.
- "Oh god, you've tricked me" - he yelled. - " I'll be nice to you, I'll do whatever you want me to, just spare me from agriculture."
God did not reply, no matter how hard Noah called.
And then in Egypt the life seemed to be fine. I could eat, I could piss or even make a dump, wherever I want, not obligated to eat my own shit. And after all I had a new master.
He was a really nice and righteous guy, adopted as a child by the royal family, walked proud in his innocence and purity. His name was Moses.
One day his perfect life came to a curve. Moses and me, we were walking down the palace and came to an open door. We've heard some very strange noises.
Moses looked in and saw a very harmful scene. A naked man was lying on the floor, cuffed by leather ribbons with some piece of wood stacked in his mouth, and the other guy was beating him with a lash all over his bloody back.
- "Stop beating that guy" - Moses said, - " or I'm going to beat you."
- "Oh, it is not what it seems to be" - the guy replied. - " You can join us if you want, and you'll feel the joy of our little game. Just leave your dog outside. We're not some kind of perverts. We don't like the dogs involved."
- " You can take my place, or his, or you can even watch if you want. It's equal to me."
- "Stop abusing that man" - Moses said louder.
Then Moses attacked guy with the lash.
-"I've told you to stop" - Moses yelled, and started to push the guy, who has fallen hitting the wall by his head.
Tied guy was just mumbling something, but no one paid attention to him, but the other one was lying on the floor dead.
Finally, we liberated the victim, but, what a surprise, he did not thank us. He started to hug the dead man, and he cried.
-"You are a criminal, assassin, you killed him... "
Both, Moses and me, we looked at each other confused and walked away. Whole day we've spent wondering what happened. Moses saved a man, and that seemed to be wrong. He realized the reason much later.
Very next day Moses will run into an incident again. Two men were fighting and he tried to make peace between two Hebrews, who are fighting, but the aggressor takes umbrage and says:
-"Do you mean to kill me as you killed the Egyptian?"
Moses immediately understood that he was in danger, for though his high status undoubtedly would protect him from punishment for the murder.
Then he heard The Voice.
-" Chill out Moses" - the voice sad - " I have some great plans for you"
Moses was standing petrified and speechless.
-"I'm going to protect you, but first there's one thing you have to do..."
- "Oh, God" - Moses cried -"Please forgive me my lord, I'll do whatever you ask, just forgive me"
- " Well then, all you have to do is take an anger management course, and then we shall talk."
Next morning Moses have fled to Midian from the Pharaoh's anger, and there he had to meet the Midianite priest Reuel, also known as Jethro, the originator of "Jethro Tull", the rock band, and the most popular therapist at that time.
6. Smuggler's blues
Few years later my dog's life finally has come to the end. What happened after death I can't remember, but I can recall one fragment where I was bagging for another chance, but no one did not care. That's pissing dog's soul, they used to say, and his weapon runs dry now. How humiliated I was...And one day I saw the sun again...Only a ray of it, but it still was ok. I came to this world in some kind of a wooden structure, surrounded by some people and a great number of animals. My mom have told me to be quiet, not to run around , not to bark and not to fart because we were aboard the ship of Noah The Smuggler. Noah was a gray haired man, old about five hundred years or more, drunk, with no sense of humor at all. I've heard he was smuggling some kind of forbidden home-made brandy and wine to the distant provinces, animals for the other town's zoo, and some kind of drug he called the crack.
One day I was laying scared in my box, eating my own shit and listening the sounds of the waves. Suddenly I've seen that something was happening among the cows. I came closer , curious as I was, and see a bull jumping on a black cow. I was watching the scene for some time, and then run to my mother excited.
- "Mom, mom... I was watching how bull f*cks a black cow..."
- "Watch your language ,Rex" - my mom was upset - "If you want to tell me about it ,you can use some different words. For example...surprised. How the bull surprised the black cow."
- "Sorry mom" - I said - "Won't happen again."
- "Ok now. You can go to play, and try not to be that loud. Noah will throw you off the Ark."
I came back to watch the scene with the cows. All the animals were quiet, minding their own business, just the bull and the cows had their own party. I was so excited, so I had to tell all to my mother.
- "Mom...mom" - I run to her again
- "What's now Rex?" - she asked
- "I have to tell you how the bull has surprised a white cow."
- "So tell me dear. It seems like I have to hear it anyway." - Mother was indifferent.
- "He f*cks only the black one" - I've started to laugh, but she didn't feel like laughing, so I was grounded for the rest of a day.
Until I've heard a voice that seemed so familiar to me...
- "Noah, stop all of your activities for the goodness of mankind!" - The voice sad
Whose that voice was, I thought. That must be someone I know. Ive heard that voice for many times.
-"This is my last warning, Noah. Let all those animals free and quit your business or I'll stop it for you."
I still could not recognize who was speaking, so I finally barked.
-"Shut up Rex"- he said - "I've already had enough of you for the last few centuries. You have made me enough problems."
Oh, no I recognized him. That was God, and he was still angry with me.
-"So, what did you decide, Noah?"
-"No, God" - said Noah -"I was working hard to run my business , to establish my company, and nobody, even you, my god, can't take it away from me."
Than God raised the waves and wind, the clouds darkened the sky and hard rain started to fall, but Noah's ship was unsinkable.
- " Oh God, don't you try to beat me. I'm Noah The Smuggler, the greatest captain and ship constructor. I've made this Ark all by myself to resist the greatest tribulations. I'll keep running my business whatever it takes."
-"Alright, Noah, you won"- said God. - "I don't want to waste my time on you any more. I'll let you keep your ship. You can even keep your production and your business..."
Than God clapped his hands and so the Flood came, and all life was extinguished, except for those who were with Noah, and the waters prevailed upon the earth for one-hundred and fifty days.
-"...but you have to find some new customers." - said God and returned back to Heaven.
That's the real story of deluge, but Noah was one of some rare survivors, and his story was a little bit different, but that's why I am here...to reveal the truth.
- "Noah, stop all of your activities for the goodness of mankind!" - The voice sad
Whose that voice was, I thought. That must be someone I know. Ive heard that voice for many times.
-"This is my last warning, Noah. Let all those animals free and quit your business or I'll stop it for you."
I still could not recognize who was speaking, so I finally barked.
-"Shut up Rex"- he said - "I've already had enough of you for the last few centuries. You have made me enough problems."
Oh, no I recognized him. That was God, and he was still angry with me.
-"So, what did you decide, Noah?"
-"No, God" - said Noah -"I was working hard to run my business , to establish my company, and nobody, even you, my god, can't take it away from me."
Than God raised the waves and wind, the clouds darkened the sky and hard rain started to fall, but Noah's ship was unsinkable.
- " Oh God, don't you try to beat me. I'm Noah The Smuggler, the greatest captain and ship constructor. I've made this Ark all by myself to resist the greatest tribulations. I'll keep running my business whatever it takes."
-"Alright, Noah, you won"- said God. - "I don't want to waste my time on you any more. I'll let you keep your ship. You can even keep your production and your business..."
Than God clapped his hands and so the Flood came, and all life was extinguished, except for those who were with Noah, and the waters prevailed upon the earth for one-hundred and fifty days.
-"...but you have to find some new customers." - said God and returned back to Heaven.
That's the real story of deluge, but Noah was one of some rare survivors, and his story was a little bit different, but that's why I am here...to reveal the truth.
Read original story
5. Stick issue
I'm still here in purgatory waiting a decision on my future killing the time living in the past. I remember the day I was walking in the park minding my own business, smelling the spring in the air and happily urinating. What a wonderful morning it was until I've seen something very agitating. I saw a dog running around with a stick in his mouth... how unstylish it was. If you ask any dog why does he doing that, he couldn't tell you , but he 's still going to catch a freakin' stick if you throw it. If you want me to tell you the secret of the stick I must be sure that no one dog will ever hear a word of it. You promise?
Well, I have to go back to the ancient era again and remind of time spent with my first female. As you already know, she had a very bad temper, but it wasn't all... she was jealous as well, an just couldn't shut her mouth. All the days I had to listen her barking...
-"Rex"- I've heard her barking - "You're such a bastard. Stop hanging around that mammoth girl all the time."
- "What freakin' mammoth girl my dear? - I asked - "I was farting around a little, and hanging up with Jimmy the skunk. He showed me some great tricks"
-"Don't make a fool of me, idiot. I saw the way you're looking her."
-"You're absolutely crazy and in delusion. She's a mammoth, and I'm a dog... She's a hundred times bigger then me. What's messed up in your mind?"
-"I'm a thousand times bigger then a flea, and it doesn't stop it to bite me. Cut the crap. Why don't you go to clean the kitchen or something..."
I was surprised.
-"But... we don't have a kitchen."
-"Excuses... stop making freakin' excuses all the time! Why can't you just do what I've asked you to?
-"You're absolutely crazy and in delusion. She's a mammoth, and I'm a dog... She's a hundred times bigger then me. What's messed up in your mind?"
-"I'm a thousand times bigger then a flea, and it doesn't stop it to bite me. Cut the crap. Why don't you go to clean the kitchen or something..."
I was surprised.
-"But... we don't have a kitchen."
-"Excuses... stop making freakin' excuses all the time! Why can't you just do what I've asked you to?
... I needed a rest, so I've found a stick , took it and put it in her mouth. Every day I was putting that stick back until she's started taking it by herself. Those were the peaceful days...
I've never thought that she will implement her bad habits into genetic code and transfer it to the next generations. How foolish I was. And after all I was accused for family abuse...
4. Pie accident
Finally on Sunday God has taken the day off. I hoped on Monday he'll be in a better mood, but I was terribly wrong. How surprised I was when I saw that bitch beside me. Yeah, you're right... That was my freakin' bitch, or, for the feminists among the dogs, my female companion. However you like, but I'm still shaking when I remember. So God punished me for our little misunderstanding. I hoped he will forgive me but he didn't for many years. Maybe he finally would, but then the pie accident occurred.
I'm sure you've heard about that, but I'm also sure you haven't heard all the truth. That's why I'm here...
One sunny day Adam and Eve, my beloved bitch and I were walking along the Garden of Eden. Day was beautiful. Adam has whispered to Eve, she was smiling, my spouse was barking as she always did, and I... I was just taking a sunbath, slowly singing and slightly farting. Eve was self pronounced stylist and fashion designer, so she just wanted to use a beautiful day to present her autumn collection to the world. Both, Adam and she wore the best leaves they had and proudly walked through the garden.
- "Adam" - Eve said. - "When did you wash your leaf for the last time?"
- "My leaves are clean, Eve" - he replied. - " I washed it a week ago."
- "But it stink. I can feel it."
- "No dear, it was Rex. He's just farted."
- "No, it was not Rex. Let me see..."
- "Come on, Eve. Don't undress me in public. Eve..."
- "You idiot," - she yelled. - "I've told you for a million times... Don't use those leaves to wipe your ass. And how can't you remember... Yellow spotted leaf is the front one, and brown spotted is the rear."
Then we passed by the apple tree. When I ruined his beans he has planted the apple tree to make himself a shady place where he can rest and read all of his correspondence with another worlds. The tree was sacred, and no one was allowed to eat its fruits. I've heard later the apples are as good for digestion as beans, and also placed little bit higher, so I couldn't piss on it.
Then we passed by the apple tree. When I ruined his beans he has planted the apple tree to make himself a shady place where he can rest and read all of his correspondence with another worlds. The tree was sacred, and no one was allowed to eat its fruits. I've heard later the apples are as good for digestion as beans, and also placed little bit higher, so I couldn't piss on it.
- "Don't be angry with me dear" - Adam said. - "I'll show you something...See?"
Eve looked at a bouncing leaf on Adam's abdomen.
- "How are you doing this, Adam? What is this?" - She was surprised.
- "It is...a ...snake my dear, it is a snake..."
And then the first sex has happened. Eve was leaned on the tree, and while they were shaking, surprised apples started to fall to the ground. I was looking what was happening. They looked like possessed by devil, and even my bitch was standing, mute for the first time.
When they finished it was afternoon already, and the time for a decent dog to have a lunch. We had to hide all the evidences of that little human indiscretion, but what to do with the apples... If God finds out that his apple tree isn't sacred any more...I couldn't even think about it. So I was the first one who tasted an apple. What? Why do you think I'm a greedy pig? I was just wiping out the traces. You haven't seen angry God yet, but I did... More then one month I was afraid to piss...more then a month.
Then Eve came up to idea.
- "Adam" - she started - "You're so skinny, so you have to enter the room twice to be noticed. I think an apple pie will do some good to you."
And Eve has made another mistake, a very tasty mistake.
Just after she baked the pie, God came. We were trying to hide the pie, but my bitch couldn't stop to eat, so he saw it.
- "As I can see, you guys have some pie here. It smells like an apple pie. I thought we had a deal about the apples"
- "It wasn't our fault, my God" - Eve started to cry - "That was all because of a...snake."
That day God has banished us from The Garden.
Whole day Eve and Adam were crying, until they've invented the blues. Gods punishment to men was impotency, and for women it was their monthly period, so they can't make love whenever they want. My female companion became the guardian of the underworld - Cherberus, the multi-headed dog, and I... I had to reincarnate every time I die, and during every life I must to do at least one good deed to redeem my sins.
Yes, got the point... Do not pay for bad sex with an apple pie...it will make it even worse.
But never mind...because I still got the blues.
When they finished it was afternoon already, and the time for a decent dog to have a lunch. We had to hide all the evidences of that little human indiscretion, but what to do with the apples... If God finds out that his apple tree isn't sacred any more...I couldn't even think about it. So I was the first one who tasted an apple. What? Why do you think I'm a greedy pig? I was just wiping out the traces. You haven't seen angry God yet, but I did... More then one month I was afraid to piss...more then a month.
Then Eve came up to idea.
- "Adam" - she started - "You're so skinny, so you have to enter the room twice to be noticed. I think an apple pie will do some good to you."
And Eve has made another mistake, a very tasty mistake.
Just after she baked the pie, God came. We were trying to hide the pie, but my bitch couldn't stop to eat, so he saw it.
- "As I can see, you guys have some pie here. It smells like an apple pie. I thought we had a deal about the apples"
- "It wasn't our fault, my God" - Eve started to cry - "That was all because of a...snake."
That day God has banished us from The Garden.
Whole day Eve and Adam were crying, until they've invented the blues. Gods punishment to men was impotency, and for women it was their monthly period, so they can't make love whenever they want. My female companion became the guardian of the underworld - Cherberus, the multi-headed dog, and I... I had to reincarnate every time I die, and during every life I must to do at least one good deed to redeem my sins.
Yes, got the point... Do not pay for bad sex with an apple pie...it will make it even worse.
But never mind...because I still got the blues.
3. Genesis Fart 2 (broken dreams)
Then God created me, The Dog. I can remember, I was a soul, waiting in line in front of casting office, praying not to be chosen, and thinking if he really chooses me, where the hell he's going to send me.
- "What the fuck is a dog, and why I was there" - I wondered. But unfortunately, not for long.
God called me to approach him, and he said - "Now, listen to me Rex, tomorrow morning I'm going to take a pause. I'll sleep till the noon, and you are the chosen one. The one who will take care about the world I've created."
- "But why me?" - I've asked. - "There are many souls more competent then I am."
- "I didn't choose you for your competency" - he said. - "I just can't stand the smell of your breath. Every morning when you sleep in the neighbourhood, my wife makes me to wash my feet."
- "So listen to me carefully. You can go wherever you want, you can do whatever you please, but there's one thing you must know - Don't you ever piss on my beans. The whole world is yours, but the only things I'm going to keep are my beans!"
I had no choice but agree, and walk away cursing.
Very next morning I was walking around, playing with the beautiful creatures that God have made, feeling so happy. I've spent whole morning trying to figure out why did he give me so many holes. I tried to fill each, but my equipment didn't fit.
And finally, I managed to stick my tail into the smallest one, and when I've taken it out I've felt a miracle. I've farted... What a great experience it was. God was the only person who could fart by now and finally I've got that power as well.
-"Winds, winds, you wonderful winds" - I was singing for the rest of morning, pushing my tail in and pooling it out, exploring the joy of fart. Suddenly I've felt the call of the nature. I've looked left, then right, looked forward, back, left again... O shit, I didn't notice I was surrounded by the freakin` bean plants.
- "What the fuck is a dog, and why I was there" - I wondered. But unfortunately, not for long.
God called me to approach him, and he said - "Now, listen to me Rex, tomorrow morning I'm going to take a pause. I'll sleep till the noon, and you are the chosen one. The one who will take care about the world I've created."
- "But why me?" - I've asked. - "There are many souls more competent then I am."
- "I didn't choose you for your competency" - he said. - "I just can't stand the smell of your breath. Every morning when you sleep in the neighbourhood, my wife makes me to wash my feet."
- "So listen to me carefully. You can go wherever you want, you can do whatever you please, but there's one thing you must know - Don't you ever piss on my beans. The whole world is yours, but the only things I'm going to keep are my beans!"
I had no choice but agree, and walk away cursing.
Very next morning I was walking around, playing with the beautiful creatures that God have made, feeling so happy. I've spent whole morning trying to figure out why did he give me so many holes. I tried to fill each, but my equipment didn't fit.
And finally, I managed to stick my tail into the smallest one, and when I've taken it out I've felt a miracle. I've farted... What a great experience it was. God was the only person who could fart by now and finally I've got that power as well.
-"Winds, winds, you wonderful winds" - I was singing for the rest of morning, pushing my tail in and pooling it out, exploring the joy of fart. Suddenly I've felt the call of the nature. I've looked left, then right, looked forward, back, left again... O shit, I didn't notice I was surrounded by the freakin` bean plants.
-"Damn farts, I must run"- crossed my mind - "I must run fast. Otherwise... Aaaaaah... What a relief...oops!"
Exact that morning, (I've told him it's going to be a big mistake), God has made Adam to keep an eye on me and one on the world, so He made him squint. He forgot to implement one rib into Adam's body, so he decided to create a wife to Adam. He named her Eve. The rest of that story is well known.
How did he know about my pissing, was the only thing I've never figured out. Maybe some snake has told him.
That's how the things in the garden of Eden turned wrong. So, don't blame Eve just because I've started it all, and she has just continued...
Exact that morning, (I've told him it's going to be a big mistake), God has made Adam to keep an eye on me and one on the world, so He made him squint. He forgot to implement one rib into Adam's body, so he decided to create a wife to Adam. He named her Eve. The rest of that story is well known.
How did he know about my pissing, was the only thing I've never figured out. Maybe some snake has told him.
That's how the things in the garden of Eden turned wrong. So, don't blame Eve just because I've started it all, and she has just continued...
2. Genesis Fart 1 (dreaming of beans)
Let's see how it's all started.It was an easy day in Paradise. God was running his business in all the universes he made, and Mrs. God was cooking the dinner. (Pssst, Don't tell anybody that God was married. That is the biggest secret ever, and with a good reason.)
- Do you plan to spend the whole day reading your mail and watching your freakin' reality shows - she said - There's too much work around the house. I can't do it all by myself.
- Wait a second dear - God replied, - I just have to send few floods and earthquakes to some worlds, and I'll help you right after.
- The floods can wait, you lazy bastard, but if you want to eat potatoes for dinner you have to dig 'em out of the ground.
- Why do we have to eat potatoes every day? You can't cook anything else? I'd rather like to have some beans instead.
- Beans!? Oh, no...no,no! I don't want to listen your farting all day long. Last time your farts have melted whole paint down from the walls.
Then God has left the house.
- Damn potatoes! - God was angry - Damn my wife as well! How did I come up with the idea to create myself a wife.
Then he took a piece of ground and threw it away in anger. The ground was rolling through the space becoming a nice little planet.
- Oh, shit...shit! Now I've made another world to take care of... How stupid I am! This is not my day . I don't need that crap! I resign! That moment something crossed his mind.
- Hmmmm...Or maybe... Maybe I can create a world just for myself. A world far away from my wife, far away from all the crying people whose mails I'm receiving, far away from potatoes... Place populated only by the animals and pets, where I can plant fields of beans and fart my soul out.
And it was so...
The rest of story is classic.
First God made heaven & earth. And then he said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. And there was evening and there was morning, one day. Then God made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And it was so. And God called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day. And God said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.And God made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; he made the stars also. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day. So God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And God blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day. And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.
1. Intro ( What is a dog without his fleas?)
I woke up dead this morning...It was strange and amazing experience for this part of the day, especially when you have an empty stomach and full bladder.
Now when I look from another perspective, maybe it isn't that bad as it seemed at the first sight. Of course I would rather step in the shit, then be dead, but this way is much cleaner then licking my shitty hear to make it shiny again. Never mind, It's just the way it is, and there's nothing to be done any more.
All I have to do is sitting here on the floor in purgatory, like many times before, waiting for someone who'll lift me like a bag and throw into another life with no explanation or excuse.
Thank God, today is much easier then few thousand years ago. Now I know some people here, know some places to kill the time and even Peter doesn't look that cranky like he did before. This morning he even smiled.
- Look who's back - he woke me up - How's it hangin' you old flea bag?
- Damn! As I can see, there's nothing left to hang any more, Peter. There's nothing left to hang. I can't believe it...here again! What have I done wrong?
- Sorry mate, I know it is hard to accept, but Mr. Death has just mistaken this time...
- Mistaken!? - I started to yell - Mistaken!? Let me tell you a story. Dog scents a female. He walks around sniffing for about hour, and then he comes around the corner and sees a nice ass wagging the tail. He's just about to jump on it, and then he realizes that's just another fucking male who didn't wash his nuts for a week or two.
-That is a fucking mistake! - I tried to explain some things to him.
- Do you know what else could be a mistake? When you're feeling thirsty and you drink your water, even though you know the stream, while you were pissing in the night, had some kind of a metal sound... So don't tell me, please, that walking around in the middle of the night and killing decent and innocent dogs can be a mistake.
I think you're wondering how do I know Saint Peter, that old wrack, and how many times I was here. It's a long, long story, but I've got plenty of time and if you ready to listen, I'm going to tell it from beginning. But be aware... Your knowledge about the history will be irreversibly changed. I know a lot of secrets, and it's time to reveal them.
- Damn! As I can see, there's nothing left to hang any more, Peter. There's nothing left to hang. I can't believe it...here again! What have I done wrong?
- Sorry mate, I know it is hard to accept, but Mr. Death has just mistaken this time...
- Mistaken!? - I started to yell - Mistaken!? Let me tell you a story. Dog scents a female. He walks around sniffing for about hour, and then he comes around the corner and sees a nice ass wagging the tail. He's just about to jump on it, and then he realizes that's just another fucking male who didn't wash his nuts for a week or two.
-That is a fucking mistake! - I tried to explain some things to him.
- Do you know what else could be a mistake? When you're feeling thirsty and you drink your water, even though you know the stream, while you were pissing in the night, had some kind of a metal sound... So don't tell me, please, that walking around in the middle of the night and killing decent and innocent dogs can be a mistake.
I think you're wondering how do I know Saint Peter, that old wrack, and how many times I was here. It's a long, long story, but I've got plenty of time and if you ready to listen, I'm going to tell it from beginning. But be aware... Your knowledge about the history will be irreversibly changed. I know a lot of secrets, and it's time to reveal them.
