Finally on Sunday God has taken the day off. I hoped on Monday he'll be in a better mood, but I was terribly wrong. How surprised I was when I saw that bitch beside me. Yeah, you're right... That was my freakin' bitch, or, for the feminists among the dogs, my female companion. However you like, but I'm still shaking when I remember. So God punished me for our little misunderstanding. I hoped he will forgive me but he didn't for many years. Maybe he finally would, but then the pie accident occurred.
I'm sure you've heard about that, but I'm also sure you haven't heard all the truth. That's why I'm here...
One sunny day Adam and Eve, my beloved bitch and I were walking along the Garden of Eden. Day was beautiful. Adam has whispered to Eve, she was smiling, my spouse was barking as she always did, and I... I was just taking a sunbath, slowly singing and slightly farting. Eve was self pronounced stylist and fashion designer, so she just wanted to use a beautiful day to present her autumn collection to the world. Both, Adam and she wore the best leaves they had and proudly walked through the garden.
- "Adam" - Eve said. - "When did you wash your leaf for the last time?"
- "My leaves are clean, Eve" - he replied. - " I washed it a week ago."
- "But it stink. I can feel it."
- "No dear, it was Rex. He's just farted."
- "No, it was not Rex. Let me see..."
- "Come on, Eve. Don't undress me in public. Eve..."
- "You idiot," - she yelled. - "I've told you for a million times... Don't use those leaves to wipe your ass. And how can't you remember... Yellow spotted leaf is the front one, and brown spotted is the rear."
Then we passed by the apple tree. When I ruined his beans he has planted the apple tree to make himself a shady place where he can rest and read all of his correspondence with another worlds. The tree was sacred, and no one was allowed to eat its fruits. I've heard later the apples are as good for digestion as beans, and also placed little bit higher, so I couldn't piss on it.
Then we passed by the apple tree. When I ruined his beans he has planted the apple tree to make himself a shady place where he can rest and read all of his correspondence with another worlds. The tree was sacred, and no one was allowed to eat its fruits. I've heard later the apples are as good for digestion as beans, and also placed little bit higher, so I couldn't piss on it.
- "Don't be angry with me dear" - Adam said. - "I'll show you something...See?"
Eve looked at a bouncing leaf on Adam's abdomen.
- "How are you doing this, Adam? What is this?" - She was surprised.
- "It is...a ...snake my dear, it is a snake..."
And then the first sex has happened. Eve was leaned on the tree, and while they were shaking, surprised apples started to fall to the ground. I was looking what was happening. They looked like possessed by devil, and even my bitch was standing, mute for the first time.
When they finished it was afternoon already, and the time for a decent dog to have a lunch. We had to hide all the evidences of that little human indiscretion, but what to do with the apples... If God finds out that his apple tree isn't sacred any more...I couldn't even think about it. So I was the first one who tasted an apple. What? Why do you think I'm a greedy pig? I was just wiping out the traces. You haven't seen angry God yet, but I did... More then one month I was afraid to piss...more then a month.
Then Eve came up to idea.
- "Adam" - she started - "You're so skinny, so you have to enter the room twice to be noticed. I think an apple pie will do some good to you."
And Eve has made another mistake, a very tasty mistake.
Just after she baked the pie, God came. We were trying to hide the pie, but my bitch couldn't stop to eat, so he saw it.
- "As I can see, you guys have some pie here. It smells like an apple pie. I thought we had a deal about the apples"
- "It wasn't our fault, my God" - Eve started to cry - "That was all because of a...snake."
That day God has banished us from The Garden.
Whole day Eve and Adam were crying, until they've invented the blues. Gods punishment to men was impotency, and for women it was their monthly period, so they can't make love whenever they want. My female companion became the guardian of the underworld - Cherberus, the multi-headed dog, and I... I had to reincarnate every time I die, and during every life I must to do at least one good deed to redeem my sins.
Yes, got the point... Do not pay for bad sex with an apple pie...it will make it even worse.
But never mind...because I still got the blues.
When they finished it was afternoon already, and the time for a decent dog to have a lunch. We had to hide all the evidences of that little human indiscretion, but what to do with the apples... If God finds out that his apple tree isn't sacred any more...I couldn't even think about it. So I was the first one who tasted an apple. What? Why do you think I'm a greedy pig? I was just wiping out the traces. You haven't seen angry God yet, but I did... More then one month I was afraid to piss...more then a month.
Then Eve came up to idea.
- "Adam" - she started - "You're so skinny, so you have to enter the room twice to be noticed. I think an apple pie will do some good to you."
And Eve has made another mistake, a very tasty mistake.
Just after she baked the pie, God came. We were trying to hide the pie, but my bitch couldn't stop to eat, so he saw it.
- "As I can see, you guys have some pie here. It smells like an apple pie. I thought we had a deal about the apples"
- "It wasn't our fault, my God" - Eve started to cry - "That was all because of a...snake."
That day God has banished us from The Garden.
Whole day Eve and Adam were crying, until they've invented the blues. Gods punishment to men was impotency, and for women it was their monthly period, so they can't make love whenever they want. My female companion became the guardian of the underworld - Cherberus, the multi-headed dog, and I... I had to reincarnate every time I die, and during every life I must to do at least one good deed to redeem my sins.
Yes, got the point... Do not pay for bad sex with an apple pie...it will make it even worse.
But never mind...because I still got the blues.
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