10. Chicken run
Then the hungry days have come. Jethro decided not to send Moses selling his products any more, so his business has collapsed. He even dismissed his band, Jethro Tull, which will be reformed a few thousand years later, by some hardcore fans who were collecting their songs , carved in the stone.
Small accident that Moses had, devastated whole Egyptian commerce, so Egyptians, blaming the Hebrews, took them all as slaves, starving them and making them to work hard to reimburse all the damage Moses has done.
Due to Jethro's bankruptcy whole family, including Moses and me, was starving. Jethro had a few chickens, so he had to share them and spare them. Zipporah, the wife of Moses, voracious by nature, due to our sentry by the roost, started to eat thatched roof of the house. Those days were remembered as the time when modern surgery has been invented. Namely, all the others had a stomach a bit weaker than Zipporah had, thus they had to eat something more digestible. Therefore, Jethro has decided to make a decent meal, but he couldn't sacrifice all of his chicken for one meal. Then he came upon an idea. He will cut off one chicken leg, repair the wound, make a small crutch so the chick can walk again, and he'll make a light chicken soup afterward. Consequently,the other Hebrews have adopted Jethro's idea, so legless and wingless chickens were running around Egypt for some time, until the last one has left. The Hebrews convened the Council to decide how to share the poor animal. They were talking and arguing, but, at one moment they've suddenly started to whisper. After all things considered, I've realised that they were looking at me, and I didn't like that kind of the look. So, with intent to spare they time, make their decision easier and to save my ass I've grabbed the chicken and started to run like hell.
-"Come back Rex! What the fuck are you doing?" - Moses shouted at me. -"Give back that chicken, or I'm going to roll up your dick as a sock."
Then he started to run after me.
When the others have seen me, running with the last chicken, and Moses right after, they have taken the clubs and stones and started the chase.
-"Will you stop, you bloody bastard" - Moses shouted after me.
-"Let's eat that merchant and crucify his dog" - one of the Hebrews shouted, running behind Moses.
-"Shut up you fool" - yelled another. -"Let's get him stoned, and fuck the dog!"
-"Don't fuck the food"- yelled the third.
Then the Egyptians realised that Hebrews are running away, so they've started pursuit.
Finally, I came to the sea. The tide was low, so I decided to continue to run. Moses was running behind me, and all those people were following him until the sea raised and covered the Egyptians who didn't manage to reach the other coast. ..
The next couple hours I can't remember, because somebody smashed my muzzle and took my chicken away. Did I mention that I've felt a pain in the ass after all? God knows why.
Small accident that Moses had, devastated whole Egyptian commerce, so Egyptians, blaming the Hebrews, took them all as slaves, starving them and making them to work hard to reimburse all the damage Moses has done.
Due to Jethro's bankruptcy whole family, including Moses and me, was starving. Jethro had a few chickens, so he had to share them and spare them. Zipporah, the wife of Moses, voracious by nature, due to our sentry by the roost, started to eat thatched roof of the house. Those days were remembered as the time when modern surgery has been invented. Namely, all the others had a stomach a bit weaker than Zipporah had, thus they had to eat something more digestible. Therefore, Jethro has decided to make a decent meal, but he couldn't sacrifice all of his chicken for one meal. Then he came upon an idea. He will cut off one chicken leg, repair the wound, make a small crutch so the chick can walk again, and he'll make a light chicken soup afterward. Consequently,the other Hebrews have adopted Jethro's idea, so legless and wingless chickens were running around Egypt for some time, until the last one has left. The Hebrews convened the Council to decide how to share the poor animal. They were talking and arguing, but, at one moment they've suddenly started to whisper. After all things considered, I've realised that they were looking at me, and I didn't like that kind of the look. So, with intent to spare they time, make their decision easier and to save my ass I've grabbed the chicken and started to run like hell.
-"Come back Rex! What the fuck are you doing?" - Moses shouted at me. -"Give back that chicken, or I'm going to roll up your dick as a sock."
Then he started to run after me.
When the others have seen me, running with the last chicken, and Moses right after, they have taken the clubs and stones and started the chase.
-"Will you stop, you bloody bastard" - Moses shouted after me.
-"Let's eat that merchant and crucify his dog" - one of the Hebrews shouted, running behind Moses.
-"Shut up you fool" - yelled another. -"Let's get him stoned, and fuck the dog!"
-"Don't fuck the food"- yelled the third.
Then the Egyptians realised that Hebrews are running away, so they've started pursuit.
Finally, I came to the sea. The tide was low, so I decided to continue to run. Moses was running behind me, and all those people were following him until the sea raised and covered the Egyptians who didn't manage to reach the other coast. ..
The next couple hours I can't remember, because somebody smashed my muzzle and took my chicken away. Did I mention that I've felt a pain in the ass after all? God knows why.
6. Smuggler's blues
Few years later my dog's life finally has come to the end. What happened after death I can't remember, but I can recall one fragment where I was bagging for another chance, but no one did not care. That's pissing dog's soul, they used to say, and his weapon runs dry now. How humiliated I was...And one day I saw the sun again...Only a ray of it, but it still was ok. I came to this world in some kind of a wooden structure, surrounded by some people and a great number of animals. My mom have told me to be quiet, not to run around , not to bark and not to fart because we were aboard the ship of Noah The Smuggler. Noah was a gray haired man, old about five hundred years or more, drunk, with no sense of humor at all. I've heard he was smuggling some kind of forbidden home-made brandy and wine to the distant provinces, animals for the other town's zoo, and some kind of drug he called the crack.
One day I was laying scared in my box, eating my own shit and listening the sounds of the waves. Suddenly I've seen that something was happening among the cows. I came closer , curious as I was, and see a bull jumping on a black cow. I was watching the scene for some time, and then run to my mother excited.
- "Mom, mom... I was watching how bull f*cks a black cow..."
- "Watch your language ,Rex" - my mom was upset - "If you want to tell me about it ,you can use some different words. For example...surprised. How the bull surprised the black cow."
- "Sorry mom" - I said - "Won't happen again."
- "Ok now. You can go to play, and try not to be that loud. Noah will throw you off the Ark."
I came back to watch the scene with the cows. All the animals were quiet, minding their own business, just the bull and the cows had their own party. I was so excited, so I had to tell all to my mother.
- "Mom...mom" - I run to her again
- "What's now Rex?" - she asked
- "I have to tell you how the bull has surprised a white cow."
- "So tell me dear. It seems like I have to hear it anyway." - Mother was indifferent.
- "He f*cks only the black one" - I've started to laugh, but she didn't feel like laughing, so I was grounded for the rest of a day.
Until I've heard a voice that seemed so familiar to me...
- "Noah, stop all of your activities for the goodness of mankind!" - The voice sad
Whose that voice was, I thought. That must be someone I know. Ive heard that voice for many times.
-"This is my last warning, Noah. Let all those animals free and quit your business or I'll stop it for you."
I still could not recognize who was speaking, so I finally barked.
-"Shut up Rex"- he said - "I've already had enough of you for the last few centuries. You have made me enough problems."
Oh, no I recognized him. That was God, and he was still angry with me.
-"So, what did you decide, Noah?"
-"No, God" - said Noah -"I was working hard to run my business , to establish my company, and nobody, even you, my god, can't take it away from me."
Than God raised the waves and wind, the clouds darkened the sky and hard rain started to fall, but Noah's ship was unsinkable.
- " Oh God, don't you try to beat me. I'm Noah The Smuggler, the greatest captain and ship constructor. I've made this Ark all by myself to resist the greatest tribulations. I'll keep running my business whatever it takes."
-"Alright, Noah, you won"- said God. - "I don't want to waste my time on you any more. I'll let you keep your ship. You can even keep your production and your business..."
Than God clapped his hands and so the Flood came, and all life was extinguished, except for those who were with Noah, and the waters prevailed upon the earth for one-hundred and fifty days.
-"...but you have to find some new customers." - said God and returned back to Heaven.
That's the real story of deluge, but Noah was one of some rare survivors, and his story was a little bit different, but that's why I am here...to reveal the truth.
- "Noah, stop all of your activities for the goodness of mankind!" - The voice sad
Whose that voice was, I thought. That must be someone I know. Ive heard that voice for many times.
-"This is my last warning, Noah. Let all those animals free and quit your business or I'll stop it for you."
I still could not recognize who was speaking, so I finally barked.
-"Shut up Rex"- he said - "I've already had enough of you for the last few centuries. You have made me enough problems."
Oh, no I recognized him. That was God, and he was still angry with me.
-"So, what did you decide, Noah?"
-"No, God" - said Noah -"I was working hard to run my business , to establish my company, and nobody, even you, my god, can't take it away from me."
Than God raised the waves and wind, the clouds darkened the sky and hard rain started to fall, but Noah's ship was unsinkable.
- " Oh God, don't you try to beat me. I'm Noah The Smuggler, the greatest captain and ship constructor. I've made this Ark all by myself to resist the greatest tribulations. I'll keep running my business whatever it takes."
-"Alright, Noah, you won"- said God. - "I don't want to waste my time on you any more. I'll let you keep your ship. You can even keep your production and your business..."
Than God clapped his hands and so the Flood came, and all life was extinguished, except for those who were with Noah, and the waters prevailed upon the earth for one-hundred and fifty days.
-"...but you have to find some new customers." - said God and returned back to Heaven.
That's the real story of deluge, but Noah was one of some rare survivors, and his story was a little bit different, but that's why I am here...to reveal the truth.
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4. Pie accident
Finally on Sunday God has taken the day off. I hoped on Monday he'll be in a better mood, but I was terribly wrong. How surprised I was when I saw that bitch beside me. Yeah, you're right... That was my freakin' bitch, or, for the feminists among the dogs, my female companion. However you like, but I'm still shaking when I remember. So God punished me for our little misunderstanding. I hoped he will forgive me but he didn't for many years. Maybe he finally would, but then the pie accident occurred.
I'm sure you've heard about that, but I'm also sure you haven't heard all the truth. That's why I'm here...
One sunny day Adam and Eve, my beloved bitch and I were walking along the Garden of Eden. Day was beautiful. Adam has whispered to Eve, she was smiling, my spouse was barking as she always did, and I... I was just taking a sunbath, slowly singing and slightly farting. Eve was self pronounced stylist and fashion designer, so she just wanted to use a beautiful day to present her autumn collection to the world. Both, Adam and she wore the best leaves they had and proudly walked through the garden.
- "Adam" - Eve said. - "When did you wash your leaf for the last time?"
- "My leaves are clean, Eve" - he replied. - " I washed it a week ago."
- "But it stink. I can feel it."
- "No dear, it was Rex. He's just farted."
- "No, it was not Rex. Let me see..."
- "Come on, Eve. Don't undress me in public. Eve..."
- "You idiot," - she yelled. - "I've told you for a million times... Don't use those leaves to wipe your ass. And how can't you remember... Yellow spotted leaf is the front one, and brown spotted is the rear."
Then we passed by the apple tree. When I ruined his beans he has planted the apple tree to make himself a shady place where he can rest and read all of his correspondence with another worlds. The tree was sacred, and no one was allowed to eat its fruits. I've heard later the apples are as good for digestion as beans, and also placed little bit higher, so I couldn't piss on it.
Then we passed by the apple tree. When I ruined his beans he has planted the apple tree to make himself a shady place where he can rest and read all of his correspondence with another worlds. The tree was sacred, and no one was allowed to eat its fruits. I've heard later the apples are as good for digestion as beans, and also placed little bit higher, so I couldn't piss on it.
- "Don't be angry with me dear" - Adam said. - "I'll show you something...See?"
Eve looked at a bouncing leaf on Adam's abdomen.
- "How are you doing this, Adam? What is this?" - She was surprised.
- "It is...a ...snake my dear, it is a snake..."
And then the first sex has happened. Eve was leaned on the tree, and while they were shaking, surprised apples started to fall to the ground. I was looking what was happening. They looked like possessed by devil, and even my bitch was standing, mute for the first time.
When they finished it was afternoon already, and the time for a decent dog to have a lunch. We had to hide all the evidences of that little human indiscretion, but what to do with the apples... If God finds out that his apple tree isn't sacred any more...I couldn't even think about it. So I was the first one who tasted an apple. What? Why do you think I'm a greedy pig? I was just wiping out the traces. You haven't seen angry God yet, but I did... More then one month I was afraid to piss...more then a month.
Then Eve came up to idea.
- "Adam" - she started - "You're so skinny, so you have to enter the room twice to be noticed. I think an apple pie will do some good to you."
And Eve has made another mistake, a very tasty mistake.
Just after she baked the pie, God came. We were trying to hide the pie, but my bitch couldn't stop to eat, so he saw it.
- "As I can see, you guys have some pie here. It smells like an apple pie. I thought we had a deal about the apples"
- "It wasn't our fault, my God" - Eve started to cry - "That was all because of a...snake."
That day God has banished us from The Garden.
Whole day Eve and Adam were crying, until they've invented the blues. Gods punishment to men was impotency, and for women it was their monthly period, so they can't make love whenever they want. My female companion became the guardian of the underworld - Cherberus, the multi-headed dog, and I... I had to reincarnate every time I die, and during every life I must to do at least one good deed to redeem my sins.
Yes, got the point... Do not pay for bad sex with an apple pie...it will make it even worse.
But never mind...because I still got the blues.
When they finished it was afternoon already, and the time for a decent dog to have a lunch. We had to hide all the evidences of that little human indiscretion, but what to do with the apples... If God finds out that his apple tree isn't sacred any more...I couldn't even think about it. So I was the first one who tasted an apple. What? Why do you think I'm a greedy pig? I was just wiping out the traces. You haven't seen angry God yet, but I did... More then one month I was afraid to piss...more then a month.
Then Eve came up to idea.
- "Adam" - she started - "You're so skinny, so you have to enter the room twice to be noticed. I think an apple pie will do some good to you."
And Eve has made another mistake, a very tasty mistake.
Just after she baked the pie, God came. We were trying to hide the pie, but my bitch couldn't stop to eat, so he saw it.
- "As I can see, you guys have some pie here. It smells like an apple pie. I thought we had a deal about the apples"
- "It wasn't our fault, my God" - Eve started to cry - "That was all because of a...snake."
That day God has banished us from The Garden.
Whole day Eve and Adam were crying, until they've invented the blues. Gods punishment to men was impotency, and for women it was their monthly period, so they can't make love whenever they want. My female companion became the guardian of the underworld - Cherberus, the multi-headed dog, and I... I had to reincarnate every time I die, and during every life I must to do at least one good deed to redeem my sins.
Yes, got the point... Do not pay for bad sex with an apple pie...it will make it even worse.
But never mind...because I still got the blues.
3. Genesis Fart 2 (broken dreams)
Then God created me, The Dog. I can remember, I was a soul, waiting in line in front of casting office, praying not to be chosen, and thinking if he really chooses me, where the hell he's going to send me.
- "What the fuck is a dog, and why I was there" - I wondered. But unfortunately, not for long.
God called me to approach him, and he said - "Now, listen to me Rex, tomorrow morning I'm going to take a pause. I'll sleep till the noon, and you are the chosen one. The one who will take care about the world I've created."
- "But why me?" - I've asked. - "There are many souls more competent then I am."
- "I didn't choose you for your competency" - he said. - "I just can't stand the smell of your breath. Every morning when you sleep in the neighbourhood, my wife makes me to wash my feet."
- "So listen to me carefully. You can go wherever you want, you can do whatever you please, but there's one thing you must know - Don't you ever piss on my beans. The whole world is yours, but the only things I'm going to keep are my beans!"
I had no choice but agree, and walk away cursing.
Very next morning I was walking around, playing with the beautiful creatures that God have made, feeling so happy. I've spent whole morning trying to figure out why did he give me so many holes. I tried to fill each, but my equipment didn't fit.
And finally, I managed to stick my tail into the smallest one, and when I've taken it out I've felt a miracle. I've farted... What a great experience it was. God was the only person who could fart by now and finally I've got that power as well.
-"Winds, winds, you wonderful winds" - I was singing for the rest of morning, pushing my tail in and pooling it out, exploring the joy of fart. Suddenly I've felt the call of the nature. I've looked left, then right, looked forward, back, left again... O shit, I didn't notice I was surrounded by the freakin` bean plants.
- "What the fuck is a dog, and why I was there" - I wondered. But unfortunately, not for long.
God called me to approach him, and he said - "Now, listen to me Rex, tomorrow morning I'm going to take a pause. I'll sleep till the noon, and you are the chosen one. The one who will take care about the world I've created."
- "But why me?" - I've asked. - "There are many souls more competent then I am."
- "I didn't choose you for your competency" - he said. - "I just can't stand the smell of your breath. Every morning when you sleep in the neighbourhood, my wife makes me to wash my feet."
- "So listen to me carefully. You can go wherever you want, you can do whatever you please, but there's one thing you must know - Don't you ever piss on my beans. The whole world is yours, but the only things I'm going to keep are my beans!"
I had no choice but agree, and walk away cursing.
Very next morning I was walking around, playing with the beautiful creatures that God have made, feeling so happy. I've spent whole morning trying to figure out why did he give me so many holes. I tried to fill each, but my equipment didn't fit.
And finally, I managed to stick my tail into the smallest one, and when I've taken it out I've felt a miracle. I've farted... What a great experience it was. God was the only person who could fart by now and finally I've got that power as well.
-"Winds, winds, you wonderful winds" - I was singing for the rest of morning, pushing my tail in and pooling it out, exploring the joy of fart. Suddenly I've felt the call of the nature. I've looked left, then right, looked forward, back, left again... O shit, I didn't notice I was surrounded by the freakin` bean plants.
-"Damn farts, I must run"- crossed my mind - "I must run fast. Otherwise... Aaaaaah... What a relief...oops!"
Exact that morning, (I've told him it's going to be a big mistake), God has made Adam to keep an eye on me and one on the world, so He made him squint. He forgot to implement one rib into Adam's body, so he decided to create a wife to Adam. He named her Eve. The rest of that story is well known.
How did he know about my pissing, was the only thing I've never figured out. Maybe some snake has told him.
That's how the things in the garden of Eden turned wrong. So, don't blame Eve just because I've started it all, and she has just continued...
Exact that morning, (I've told him it's going to be a big mistake), God has made Adam to keep an eye on me and one on the world, so He made him squint. He forgot to implement one rib into Adam's body, so he decided to create a wife to Adam. He named her Eve. The rest of that story is well known.
How did he know about my pissing, was the only thing I've never figured out. Maybe some snake has told him.
That's how the things in the garden of Eden turned wrong. So, don't blame Eve just because I've started it all, and she has just continued...
2. Genesis Fart 1 (dreaming of beans)
Let's see how it's all started.It was an easy day in Paradise. God was running his business in all the universes he made, and Mrs. God was cooking the dinner. (Pssst, Don't tell anybody that God was married. That is the biggest secret ever, and with a good reason.)
- Do you plan to spend the whole day reading your mail and watching your freakin' reality shows - she said - There's too much work around the house. I can't do it all by myself.
- Wait a second dear - God replied, - I just have to send few floods and earthquakes to some worlds, and I'll help you right after.
- The floods can wait, you lazy bastard, but if you want to eat potatoes for dinner you have to dig 'em out of the ground.
- Why do we have to eat potatoes every day? You can't cook anything else? I'd rather like to have some beans instead.
- Beans!? Oh, no...no,no! I don't want to listen your farting all day long. Last time your farts have melted whole paint down from the walls.
Then God has left the house.
- Damn potatoes! - God was angry - Damn my wife as well! How did I come up with the idea to create myself a wife.
Then he took a piece of ground and threw it away in anger. The ground was rolling through the space becoming a nice little planet.
- Oh, shit...shit! Now I've made another world to take care of... How stupid I am! This is not my day . I don't need that crap! I resign! That moment something crossed his mind.
- Hmmmm...Or maybe... Maybe I can create a world just for myself. A world far away from my wife, far away from all the crying people whose mails I'm receiving, far away from potatoes... Place populated only by the animals and pets, where I can plant fields of beans and fart my soul out.
And it was so...
The rest of story is classic.
First God made heaven & earth. And then he said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. And there was evening and there was morning, one day. Then God made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And it was so. And God called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day. And God said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.And God made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; he made the stars also. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day. So God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And God blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day. And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.
1. Intro ( What is a dog without his fleas?)
I woke up dead this morning...It was strange and amazing experience for this part of the day, especially when you have an empty stomach and full bladder.
Now when I look from another perspective, maybe it isn't that bad as it seemed at the first sight. Of course I would rather step in the shit, then be dead, but this way is much cleaner then licking my shitty hear to make it shiny again. Never mind, It's just the way it is, and there's nothing to be done any more.
All I have to do is sitting here on the floor in purgatory, like many times before, waiting for someone who'll lift me like a bag and throw into another life with no explanation or excuse.
Thank God, today is much easier then few thousand years ago. Now I know some people here, know some places to kill the time and even Peter doesn't look that cranky like he did before. This morning he even smiled.
- Look who's back - he woke me up - How's it hangin' you old flea bag?
- Damn! As I can see, there's nothing left to hang any more, Peter. There's nothing left to hang. I can't believe it...here again! What have I done wrong?
- Sorry mate, I know it is hard to accept, but Mr. Death has just mistaken this time...
- Mistaken!? - I started to yell - Mistaken!? Let me tell you a story. Dog scents a female. He walks around sniffing for about hour, and then he comes around the corner and sees a nice ass wagging the tail. He's just about to jump on it, and then he realizes that's just another fucking male who didn't wash his nuts for a week or two.
-That is a fucking mistake! - I tried to explain some things to him.
- Do you know what else could be a mistake? When you're feeling thirsty and you drink your water, even though you know the stream, while you were pissing in the night, had some kind of a metal sound... So don't tell me, please, that walking around in the middle of the night and killing decent and innocent dogs can be a mistake.
I think you're wondering how do I know Saint Peter, that old wrack, and how many times I was here. It's a long, long story, but I've got plenty of time and if you ready to listen, I'm going to tell it from beginning. But be aware... Your knowledge about the history will be irreversibly changed. I know a lot of secrets, and it's time to reveal them.
- Damn! As I can see, there's nothing left to hang any more, Peter. There's nothing left to hang. I can't believe it...here again! What have I done wrong?
- Sorry mate, I know it is hard to accept, but Mr. Death has just mistaken this time...
- Mistaken!? - I started to yell - Mistaken!? Let me tell you a story. Dog scents a female. He walks around sniffing for about hour, and then he comes around the corner and sees a nice ass wagging the tail. He's just about to jump on it, and then he realizes that's just another fucking male who didn't wash his nuts for a week or two.
-That is a fucking mistake! - I tried to explain some things to him.
- Do you know what else could be a mistake? When you're feeling thirsty and you drink your water, even though you know the stream, while you were pissing in the night, had some kind of a metal sound... So don't tell me, please, that walking around in the middle of the night and killing decent and innocent dogs can be a mistake.
I think you're wondering how do I know Saint Peter, that old wrack, and how many times I was here. It's a long, long story, but I've got plenty of time and if you ready to listen, I'm going to tell it from beginning. But be aware... Your knowledge about the history will be irreversibly changed. I know a lot of secrets, and it's time to reveal them.
