10. Chicken run
Then the hungry days have come. Jethro decided not to send Moses selling his products any more, so his business has collapsed. He even dismissed his band, Jethro Tull, which will be reformed a few thousand years later, by some hardcore fans who were collecting their songs , carved in the stone.
Small accident that Moses had, devastated whole Egyptian commerce, so Egyptians, blaming the Hebrews, took them all as slaves, starving them and making them to work hard to reimburse all the damage Moses has done.
Due to Jethro's bankruptcy whole family, including Moses and me, was starving. Jethro had a few chickens, so he had to share them and spare them. Zipporah, the wife of Moses, voracious by nature, due to our sentry by the roost, started to eat thatched roof of the house. Those days were remembered as the time when modern surgery has been invented. Namely, all the others had a stomach a bit weaker than Zipporah had, thus they had to eat something more digestible. Therefore, Jethro has decided to make a decent meal, but he couldn't sacrifice all of his chicken for one meal. Then he came upon an idea. He will cut off one chicken leg, repair the wound, make a small crutch so the chick can walk again, and he'll make a light chicken soup afterward. Consequently,the other Hebrews have adopted Jethro's idea, so legless and wingless chickens were running around Egypt for some time, until the last one has left. The Hebrews convened the Council to decide how to share the poor animal. They were talking and arguing, but, at one moment they've suddenly started to whisper. After all things considered, I've realised that they were looking at me, and I didn't like that kind of the look. So, with intent to spare they time, make their decision easier and to save my ass I've grabbed the chicken and started to run like hell.
-"Come back Rex! What the fuck are you doing?" - Moses shouted at me. -"Give back that chicken, or I'm going to roll up your dick as a sock."
Then he started to run after me.
When the others have seen me, running with the last chicken, and Moses right after, they have taken the clubs and stones and started the chase.
-"Will you stop, you bloody bastard" - Moses shouted after me.
-"Let's eat that merchant and crucify his dog" - one of the Hebrews shouted, running behind Moses.
-"Shut up you fool" - yelled another. -"Let's get him stoned, and fuck the dog!"
-"Don't fuck the food"- yelled the third.
Then the Egyptians realised that Hebrews are running away, so they've started pursuit.
Finally, I came to the sea. The tide was low, so I decided to continue to run. Moses was running behind me, and all those people were following him until the sea raised and covered the Egyptians who didn't manage to reach the other coast. ..
The next couple hours I can't remember, because somebody smashed my muzzle and took my chicken away. Did I mention that I've felt a pain in the ass after all? God knows why.
Small accident that Moses had, devastated whole Egyptian commerce, so Egyptians, blaming the Hebrews, took them all as slaves, starving them and making them to work hard to reimburse all the damage Moses has done.
Due to Jethro's bankruptcy whole family, including Moses and me, was starving. Jethro had a few chickens, so he had to share them and spare them. Zipporah, the wife of Moses, voracious by nature, due to our sentry by the roost, started to eat thatched roof of the house. Those days were remembered as the time when modern surgery has been invented. Namely, all the others had a stomach a bit weaker than Zipporah had, thus they had to eat something more digestible. Therefore, Jethro has decided to make a decent meal, but he couldn't sacrifice all of his chicken for one meal. Then he came upon an idea. He will cut off one chicken leg, repair the wound, make a small crutch so the chick can walk again, and he'll make a light chicken soup afterward. Consequently,the other Hebrews have adopted Jethro's idea, so legless and wingless chickens were running around Egypt for some time, until the last one has left. The Hebrews convened the Council to decide how to share the poor animal. They were talking and arguing, but, at one moment they've suddenly started to whisper. After all things considered, I've realised that they were looking at me, and I didn't like that kind of the look. So, with intent to spare they time, make their decision easier and to save my ass I've grabbed the chicken and started to run like hell.
-"Come back Rex! What the fuck are you doing?" - Moses shouted at me. -"Give back that chicken, or I'm going to roll up your dick as a sock."
Then he started to run after me.
When the others have seen me, running with the last chicken, and Moses right after, they have taken the clubs and stones and started the chase.
-"Will you stop, you bloody bastard" - Moses shouted after me.
-"Let's eat that merchant and crucify his dog" - one of the Hebrews shouted, running behind Moses.
-"Shut up you fool" - yelled another. -"Let's get him stoned, and fuck the dog!"
-"Don't fuck the food"- yelled the third.
Then the Egyptians realised that Hebrews are running away, so they've started pursuit.
Finally, I came to the sea. The tide was low, so I decided to continue to run. Moses was running behind me, and all those people were following him until the sea raised and covered the Egyptians who didn't manage to reach the other coast. ..
The next couple hours I can't remember, because somebody smashed my muzzle and took my chicken away. Did I mention that I've felt a pain in the ass after all? God knows why.
9. Anger management trilogy - Fart 3
Moses was suffering, and I witnessed his agony. His fields couldn't produce as much food as his wife Zipporah could eat. She was even sucked all the milk from her own breasts after she gave birth to their first child. Every day Zipporah was growing fatter and fatter, so Moses had to think about house enlargement. Finally, he decided to find some extra job. Jethro, his father in low and therapist, invited Moses to join him in his small hobby workshop that he ran behind Anger management center. So Moses has become the first bagman in the history. His merchant time is also known as ten plagues of Egypt. For the first day Jethro gave him the task to sell the knives he made, so Moses visited a nearby village and started his door to door sale. He visited few houses, but no one was interested in the stuff he was selling, so Moses set by the river starting to throw the knives into the river. One hour later, all the fish in the water were killed and the water turned into blood, so the Egyptians were loathed to drink from the river due to its stench. When he came back home, Jethro was very disappointed. His son-in-law hasn't brought neither the merchandize, nor the money. Only the rumors about a small river accident. He decided not to give him merchant job again. Next day Jethro has made a deal with some restaurant owners in a nearby town, so he gave Moses a waggon full of frogs to deliver. Moses and I, we were walking down the main street, whispering and joyfully farting, taking the frogs to the town. At one moment he stumbled and fell, taking all the frogs with him. Very next moment these frogs entered the people’s houses, their bedchambers, on the people themselves, into their ovens, into their kneading bowls... We had to run away home, because we have almost lost our asses. In the morning we had to go to the market again, but this time we had to take Aaron, the brother of Moses, to protect us from angry people and from Moses aswell. When we came to the market, Aaron started to sell some insecticide and poisons against rats and mice. Since people doubted about product efficiency, Moses brought some bags full of lice and flies to test the products and convince the crowd. At one moment he dropped the bags, and all lice and flies were freed attacking people and cattle. The houses of the Egyptians were full of flies, and even the ground where they are.
- "Stretch out thy rod and smite the lice, Aaron" - Moses shouted.
- "Let us go, you bastards" - Aaron yelled swirling the rod. Pharaoh, who missed the beginning of the accident, heard the words of brothers, thinking they are asking Egyptians to set the Hebrews free.
- "Give me that insecticide Aaron, I'm going to destroy them all"- Moses asked twisting.
Pharaoh was angry, so he decided to interfere.
- "Listen to them" - he said to his counselor. - "They are threading us!"
- "We should stop it, your highness. What do you suggest?" - "Close all the Hebrews into the ghetto, and don't let them go anywhere, and get those two clowns imprisoned."
- "Consider it done. But what about the dog, majesty?"
-"Bring him to me. My cook has a new specialty. He calls it... hot dog, I suppose... So, it must be made of dogs. Right?" Due to the accident, all the merchant stands were turned over, so the poison has contaminated the food and all other goods, and the cattle which came to eat the food, fell down poisoned. People tried to save their livestock, but contaminated their skin, so all of them were afflicted by strange kind of skin disease.
Then started to rain with thunder and hail, and lightning flashed down to the ground. Pharaoh thought it is another magic of Moses, so he sent his guards to capture him.
Moses tried to escape, but while he was running he has lost the last bag he was carrying, and the swarm of loctus run out. The swarm covered the sky, casting a shadow over Egypt. It consumed all the remaining Egyptian crops, leaving no tree or plant standing.
Then the wind and the rain turned all the lights and fires off, so the darkness spread over the Egypt. Moses started to curse and swear, hitting the ground by his rod. However, that was the last proof that anger management definitely failed. People, both Egyptians and Hebrews decided to find Moses, and get rid of him...in any way.
- "Stretch out thy rod and smite the lice, Aaron" - Moses shouted.
- "Let us go, you bastards" - Aaron yelled swirling the rod. Pharaoh, who missed the beginning of the accident, heard the words of brothers, thinking they are asking Egyptians to set the Hebrews free.
- "Give me that insecticide Aaron, I'm going to destroy them all"- Moses asked twisting.
Pharaoh was angry, so he decided to interfere.
- "Listen to them" - he said to his counselor. - "They are threading us!"
- "We should stop it, your highness. What do you suggest?" - "Close all the Hebrews into the ghetto, and don't let them go anywhere, and get those two clowns imprisoned."
- "Consider it done. But what about the dog, majesty?"
Then started to rain with thunder and hail, and lightning flashed down to the ground. Pharaoh thought it is another magic of Moses, so he sent his guards to capture him.
Moses tried to escape, but while he was running he has lost the last bag he was carrying, and the swarm of loctus run out. The swarm covered the sky, casting a shadow over Egypt. It consumed all the remaining Egyptian crops, leaving no tree or plant standing.
Then the wind and the rain turned all the lights and fires off, so the darkness spread over the Egypt. Moses started to curse and swear, hitting the ground by his rod. However, that was the last proof that anger management definitely failed. People, both Egyptians and Hebrews decided to find Moses, and get rid of him...in any way.
